Big List of Great Puns (102 Text Only Puns in fact)

List of Funny Puns

Welcome to our big list of puns. We want to collect some of the best puns ever. We hope you enjoy every single pun joke from the list below.

  1. Being struck by lightning is a shocking experience.
  2. I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but it doesn’t matter, none of them work.
  3. I once was attacked by a pack of cigarettes. I’ve got the cigars to prove it.
  4. When a guitarist messes up, he re-chords his mistake.
  5. I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.
  6. The first time I used an elevator it was really uplifting, then it let me down.
  7. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
  8. I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
  9. It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
  10. I have a group of friends that go to restaurants to sample the food. They’re my taste buds.
  11. I went to a zoo the other day. It only had one animal. It was a Shih Tzu.
  12. I tried to take a picture of a field of wheat but it was too grainy.
  13. So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means!? It’s not the end of the world!
  14. I wanted to be a butcher but I didn’t make the cut.
  15. Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe!
  16. BNAG – That’s bang out of order.
  17. Tequila! Schnapps! Sambuca! I’m calling the shots!
  18. People with guns asking for your money, you’ve got to hand it to them.
  19. A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
  20. I heart realism.
  21. I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
  22. Yesterday a book fell on my head. I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
  23. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.
  24. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.
  25. Did you guys hear the joke about the wall? It is hilarious, I am still trying to get over it.
  26. How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
  27. Velcro, what a rip off!
  28. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
  29. I tried talking to my dentist during a cleaning, but my words got flossed in translation.
  30. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
  31. When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
  32. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
  33. I think you confused me with someone who builds a dam.
  34. Did you hear about the man who ran through a screen door? He strained himself.
  35. Whenever I’m in an airport, I start coughing and sneezing. It’s a terminal illness.
  36. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic
  37. I don’t trust these stairs because they’re always up to something.
  38. Police were called to a daycare where a three year old was resisting a rest.
  39. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  40. I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper is jammin’ again.
  41. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
  42. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
  43. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
  44. To the guy who invented Zero:
  45. Thanks for nothing!
  46. Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
  47. How do you organize a space party? You planet.
  48. It’s no longer a matter if will kill next, but rather, hoo.
  49. Salt water puns are a bunch abalone.
  50. What do you call a pod of musical whales? An Orcastra!
  51. Why are fish never good tennis players? They don’t like getting close to the net.
  52. Where does bad light end up? In a prism.
  53. Oh, an owl pun? What a hoot!
  54. I had a dream I was drowning in orange soda. Turned out it was just a Fanta sea.
  55. I mustache you a question.
  56. What’s more amazing than a talking dog? A spelling bee.
  57. I didn’t want my kids to join band or orchestra and risk being exposed to so much sax and violins.
  58. Animal puns quack me up!
  59. The math teacher was a good dancer, so much algorithm.
  60. Owl always love you.
  61. What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A dinosnore.
  62. Bad hare day?
  63. What do ghosts serve for dessert? Ice Scream.
  64. I can’t talk now, I’m a little horse.
  65. Your golf addiction is driving a wedge between us.
  66. Holy Shrimp! This scampi happening.
  67. This eye pun could not be any cornea.
  68. You should never tell an Easter egg a joke because it might crack up.
  69. Meow is the time.
  70. Plateaus, the highest form of flattery.
  71. We are not fat. We are just husky.
  72. Guess who just got laid?
  73. What do you get from sitting on the snow too long? Polaroids!
  74. What did the Nuclear Physicist have for lunch? Fission Chips.
  75. Why did the three little pigs fall asleep every time Grandpa told stories? Because he was a boar.
  76. I make horrible science puns but only periodically.
  77. Fleece Navidad
  78. What did the Pacific Ocean say to the Atlantic Ocean? Water you doing?
  79. Pavlov? He rings a bell.
  80. Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.
  81. Stop, I can’t bear these animal jokes.
  82. You’re old but I don’t carrot all.
  83. What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!
  84. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
  85. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
  86. Every calendar’s days are numbered.
  87. The bicycle could not stand on its own because it was two-tired.
  88. Want to hear a construction joke? I’m working on it.
  89. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
  90. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
  91. The person who invented the door knock won the No-bell prize.
  92. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
  93. Sleeping comes so naturally to me I could do it with my eyes closed.
  94. I didn’t do it on porpoise.
  95. Being vegetarian is a missed steak.
  96. Potato puns are apeeling.
  97. If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.
  98. There is a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that says “Keep off the Grass”.
  99. I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I’ve ever seen.
  100. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
  101. Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.
  102. I used to be a banker but I lost interest


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